[ She wanted to dig at him a little more, wasn't he that eager the first time? Until she told him all kinds of awful truths. He should surely learn that lesson. Stop giving her so much of himself, but she wants to take it, wants to take that kiss on the corner of her mouth and let that be the only thing she has to ask. Let that be all of them.
But it's not and it won't ever be. He's - Vorkosigan, even if she's only beginning to learn what that means in truth. She pulls up, just that little to give herself space to talk. ]
The next time I am captured, Miles... [ shuts her eyes briefly, painful almost, but she has to be sure about those choices. when never if. Not when she's planning for the worst case scenario. ] ... what I went through. I will not do it again. I will not risk what I am and your home to that. Nor will I be pried apart for anything less than my own people's good.
[ She slips her fingers against his hair, to his face, tracing the edge of his cheekbone, the sulk below his lip. Carefully, carefully, to put it memory, to keep it to herself. ]
You must promise me you will not risk yourself in some pointless attempt to save me again. You must assume I am dead, because that will be my choice if I can make it.
[ Miles freezes abruptly at that, sucking in a breath. God, of all the things to ask ... He understands it, really he does, but he can't bear the thought of it. ]
Lakshmi ...
[ No, he won't do it. While she's alive, there's hope. Even when fast penta is involved. Even when everything is at risk. He shakes his head sharply. ]
I can't possibly do that. The same way you couldn't abandon me to the same fate.
[ She doesn't grow cross with him, too content and warm. Even if what they're talking about isn't, merely inevitabilities that have to be discussed. Just brushes her fingers against his hair, drawing it back from his face. ] You know I would not, you know I would fight for you to my last breath.
[ It's not some thrown out declaration. Not a passionate plea. It is. It is what she will do. Like the sun comes up and the tide goes out and she will thread her fingers through his and hang on for all she's worth. But that will not be forever, and they are, after all, at war. ]
But what I am telling you what I will have done. So you might never waste your life on it.
[ She can't stand that - even she's the cause of it. Leans forward to kiss him soundly rather than give him a response when she doesn't have the one he wants. Just to make it go away for awhile, just a little while.
( What a joke, come here to give him so relief, something else to think about than his own families troubles. ) Pulls up slightly, her hand settling flat beside his head to hold herself up. ] I'm only thinking of your home, Miles.
[ She kisses the space between his brows. Light and careful, as soft as asking for forgiveness. Because she doesn't expect anything else from him, no more than she can expect anything else from herself. ]
Then you have your answer. Let me do what I can to spare your home the horrors I could never save mine from.
[ She keeps smiling, shaking her head to hush whatever else he might say. Keeps close even as she shifts, laying down against his side on the ground. Looks up briefly away from where she watches the curl of his mouth in the surety of shared intimacy. Settled then. Her eyes drift up, idle more than anything direct. Letting her mind slip away. ]
Do your people tell stories about stars? Or does travelling them mean no one bothers anymore?
The Zorja, I think. Which is funny, because Barrayar doesn't have morning and evening stars, not the same way Earth does. They were two sisters who were tasked with keeping Simargl chained up, lest he devour the world.
[ She stiffens utterly with the thought of that. Too apt, too close, she doesn't pull away from him - but she's still. Taking slow breaths to will down that unnameable something that wells fresh still in her throat even after all these years. ]
[ She stays quiet for a while, looking up at - any of them, she doesn't know his stars. But she knows Simargl, what a name for it - but she can latch onto it. Oh yes, the great wolves that devoured the world. Swallowed it up. Her fingers don't stop the back and forth brush against his hip. Thinks about not telling him any of it. What kind of story is it? Nothing as beautiful as those stars. ]
The fourth day of the siege, a traitor opened the gates of Jhansi. I could barely speak for screaming by orders by then. [ She keeps her voice even, removed, like all of it happened to someone else. An explanation there - why her only instinct anymore is to kill Byerly, to keep anyone at arm's length. ] They came in then, in the dead of night. You see the British, not all of them knew what their forces were made up of. So it was better done when no one on their side could tell the truth of it.
[ Hard then, hard to be removed, hard to keep it out of her mouth, out of her eyes, out of her lungs. That smoke, so much smoke, that sulfuric wretch of gunpowder, the burning of hot metal that was this side of blood. ] There were so many - we were overwhelmed. They were purebloods, not just the halfbreeds. A half-breed can tear a man in half easily. But a pureblood? It takes ten or twelve just to draw one down. Most will die in the effort. That's why the blackwater is so needed.
[ Now her fingers grip, taking hold of him, easy, easy, easy, breath, breath, breath, she can only smell woodsmoke, think instead of the feel of his mouth of his skin, anything at all. Anything had to be better. Worst getting quicker as she talked, not so calm, not so removed. Hard to be. ] Some of the women couldn't kill themselves and their children fast enough. Their limbs were ripped off them, torn, some of them were with child and... [ the woman she remembered clearest, it's muzzle sunk into her belly - full with a child, not three days before. Her eyes blinking rapidly where shock just hadn't let her die, as gore and viscera and what remained of her unborn child was yanked from her. ] - but they were still alive, looking at me - set upon, like a dog had gotten a chicken coop.
[ She turns her face into his shoulder. Doesn't weep, doesn't know how to anymore. Just holds and holds and holds. Tight to him. A fast rhythm to her throat, loud as hoof-beats. ]
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But it's not and it won't ever be. He's - Vorkosigan, even if she's only beginning to learn what that means in truth. She pulls up, just that little to give herself space to talk. ]
The next time I am captured, Miles... [ shuts her eyes briefly, painful almost, but she has to be sure about those choices. when never if. Not when she's planning for the worst case scenario. ] ... what I went through. I will not do it again. I will not risk what I am and your home to that. Nor will I be pried apart for anything less than my own people's good.
[ She slips her fingers against his hair, to his face, tracing the edge of his cheekbone, the sulk below his lip. Carefully, carefully, to put it memory, to keep it to herself. ]
You must promise me you will not risk yourself in some pointless attempt to save me again. You must assume I am dead, because that will be my choice if I can make it.
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Lakshmi ...
[ No, he won't do it. While she's alive, there's hope. Even when fast penta is involved. Even when everything is at risk. He shakes his head sharply. ]
I can't possibly do that. The same way you couldn't abandon me to the same fate.
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[ It's not some thrown out declaration. Not a passionate plea. It is. It is what she will do. Like the sun comes up and the tide goes out and she will thread her fingers through his and hang on for all she's worth. But that will not be forever, and they are, after all, at war. ]
But what I am telling you what I will have done. So you might never waste your life on it.
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He reaches up for her hair again, gently. ]
Please don't. I'll swear not to give my life if you swear to be alive for me to rescue you.
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[ A lean down, brushing the tip of her nose against his cheek. Where she has the leave to be affectionate with him, she is. ]
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Please. Just for this aspect. I'll not ask it of anything else.
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( What a joke, come here to give him so relief, something else to think about than his own families troubles. ) Pulls up slightly, her hand settling flat beside his head to hold herself up. ] I'm only thinking of your home, Miles.
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I know you are. But - please. Do this one thing for me.
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Is it - this - worth it?
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I care for my planet above all else. Even myself.
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Then you have your answer. Let me do what I can to spare your home the horrors I could never save mine from.
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Lakshmi ...
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Do your people tell stories about stars? Or does travelling them mean no one bothers anymore?
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Of course we do. The new tales are different, but the old tales are the same as any other world's.
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Which do you prefer? Old or new?
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Ah, the old. I've many fond childhood memories of Bothari's tales. He was hillfolk through and through.
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Which one was your favourite?
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[ And from all too personal a place, she thinks she pities those sisters. Fighting to keep something like that contained. ]
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Then I hope they never fail in their task.
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Given the world is still here, they haven't yet.
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[ It's out before she's thought through saying it. She cringes as quickly as it is, swallowing it away. Shutting a door on it and throwing it deep. ]
That was not... fair. [ Which as close to an apology as she can say easily. ]
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Yours is not? Swallowed up by wolves?
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The fourth day of the siege, a traitor opened the gates of Jhansi. I could barely speak for screaming by orders by then. [ She keeps her voice even, removed, like all of it happened to someone else. An explanation there - why her only instinct anymore is to kill Byerly, to keep anyone at arm's length. ] They came in then, in the dead of night. You see the British, not all of them knew what their forces were made up of. So it was better done when no one on their side could tell the truth of it.
[ Hard then, hard to be removed, hard to keep it out of her mouth, out of her eyes, out of her lungs. That smoke, so much smoke, that sulfuric wretch of gunpowder, the burning of hot metal that was this side of blood. ] There were so many - we were overwhelmed. They were purebloods, not just the halfbreeds. A half-breed can tear a man in half easily. But a pureblood? It takes ten or twelve just to draw one down. Most will die in the effort. That's why the blackwater is so needed.
[ Now her fingers grip, taking hold of him, easy, easy, easy, breath, breath, breath, she can only smell woodsmoke, think instead of the feel of his mouth of his skin, anything at all. Anything had to be better. Worst getting quicker as she talked, not so calm, not so removed. Hard to be. ] Some of the women couldn't kill themselves and their children fast enough. Their limbs were ripped off them, torn, some of them were with child and... [ the woman she remembered clearest, it's muzzle sunk into her belly - full with a child, not three days before. Her eyes blinking rapidly where shock just hadn't let her die, as gore and viscera and what remained of her unborn child was yanked from her. ] - but they were still alive, looking at me - set upon, like a dog had gotten a chicken coop.
[ She turns her face into his shoulder. Doesn't weep, doesn't know how to anymore. Just holds and holds and holds. Tight to him. A fast rhythm to her throat, loud as hoof-beats. ]
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