Satya... I met her when I was.... [ Clears her throat, she still doesn't wish to talk of being imprisoned. Isn't ready yet really, for that either. ] She told me it will take fifty more years. Fifty more years and they will be gone from my home.
[ Which sounds like an eternity, and so much to pass in that time, it seems like nothing at all, after the last half century. A hundred years sum total, a century all to itself. That was a small price to pay. ]
I've seen a knight be killed, I have all but killed one myself.
[ 1000 years of history, lived by one man, and Sir Bors had died with relief in his eyes. Will she be the same? Will she be as cold, as removed as he was? As Sir Galahad seemed to be? ]
Being harder to kill does not make me immortal. That's all the blackwater does. Anything but the most immediate of deaths has no hold on me, but I am still within that coil.
[ Worries, so many worries, at the thought of that future, that she fought so hard for, nearly wept to hear, like the crack of the summer storms splitting apart the air. But for all she fought for it, did she have a place in it? ]
Satya... she said they tell stories of me still, that they keep statues of me. That I am remembered. What if I am better a martyr than queen?
[ 1000 years would be too much. But 50 ... hell, he'll count himself lucky to see fifty more years, himself. With his body, he'll be lucky to see another thirty. ]
Even so. You should manage fifty. One should see the future you've guided your people too, even if you cannot go there yourself.
[ Another light squeeze. ]
History is fickle, anyway. I would not trust its memory.
[ Never, it's a fairy story that she had in the Grimm tales. Pleasantly removed as castles and giants and - big bad wolves.
She swallows, shuts her eyes for a minute. ]
It does seem a pleasant fiction. I should like to train horses again. A house I think - not a palace, it would not be right if it was not full of people as it should be. But... something away from the city. Where I could... be no one at all. [ she draws her fingertips up his spine, following its line. ] Children and animals, I always wanted to have many of both. A garden.
[ God. All of those sound lovely to him too. Except he'd eventually need to hare off on adventures, himself, but ... He shivers lightly against her fingers. ]
I would gladly live a quiet life if I could have those things too.
[ That is her told for teasing, isn't it? Her mouth parts, surprised utterly that he would even ask. Who would, she's under no illusions about herself. She is much his elder, unable to have children anymore, haggard with her wars. Neither beautiful nor pliable to such things. ]
You would ask that of me? Surely there is... [ swallows a little. ] ... someone more suitable to that position.
[ None of that matters to him. Children can still be had, age gaps mean nothing to a man who likely has a shortened lifespan anyway ... And he finds her desperately beautiful because of her roughness, not despite it. ]
[ She breathes out, slowly, carefully trying to keep back that unnameable something that is swelling in her chest. He's intoxicating in the way of possibilities, the way that could have been feels like it might be. She keeps her hand steady against his back. Brushing back and forth as she thinks. ]
Then, are you asking simply because I am a woman that might?
[ Hovers on that might. It's hardly an uncomplicated decision. Not with all that he is, everything that she is. To be wanted desperately, was one thing, but even so. She didn't want either of them to come to those choices because of making do. ]
[ He hesitates a long moment. And then another. It's true a lot of this is proximity. And the Vorkosigan tendency to propose instantly to the first woman they fall in love with.
But ... there's something else here, dammit. Lakshmi is still special even if marriage is too large of a step. ]
[ ... Someone should really tell her about that tendency. But even so, she pulls back a little to look him in the eye. Swallowing again, calm, slow, she doesn't want to press either of them too hard. Too much soft skin, too many broken parts. These kinds of wounds never really heal. ]
Then tell me.
[ Not poetics, let her know how he thinks this will be, will end. ]
[ His gaze drops back down again. What can he promise, anyway? If he stays, he has nothing for her. Another fight, no children, no homes or gardens. A humble soldier's life at best, and that through her connection to the Rangers. Twenty years of waiting for one critical moment.
And if he goes home? He could marry her then. But never meet Ekaterin - or worse, meet her and fall in love with her too.
[ She wraps her fingers softly, tilting her head so she can lean to kiss him again. Soundly, surely. Keeps herself there even after she stops it, murmuring the words into the small space in quiet, kept sounds. All secrets - not of state, but nothing them and theirs. ]
Let us be enough for now, and we can sort... the rest of it out, later.
[ she hums softly, her eyes shut, and sighs a little. Mournful almost, she doesn't really want to get up just ] I suppose I cannot stay here forever with you.
[ She laughs in return, not forever, no but a little bit longer? She thinks she can be that selfish for awhile. Her head leans to kiss him again. Slowly, laughing into his mouth as she does. Feels good just for that. Something tightly knotted in her chest that has come loose after far too long. ]
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[ Which sounds like an eternity, and so much to pass in that time, it seems like nothing at all, after the last half century. A hundred years sum total, a century all to itself. That was a small price to pay. ]
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Not so long a time. Won't you live to see it with your blackwater?
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[ 1000 years of history, lived by one man, and Sir Bors had died with relief in his eyes. Will she be the same? Will she be as cold, as removed as he was? As Sir Galahad seemed to be? ]
Being harder to kill does not make me immortal. That's all the blackwater does. Anything but the most immediate of deaths has no hold on me, but I am still within that coil.
[ Worries, so many worries, at the thought of that future, that she fought so hard for, nearly wept to hear, like the crack of the summer storms splitting apart the air. But for all she fought for it, did she have a place in it? ]
Satya... she said they tell stories of me still, that they keep statues of me. That I am remembered. What if I am better a martyr than queen?
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Even so. You should manage fifty. One should see the future you've guided your people too, even if you cannot go there yourself.
[ Another light squeeze. ]
History is fickle, anyway. I would not trust its memory.
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[ His own words were too apt, about what it meant to be Vor, too close to what it meant to be Queen. ]
If I do... I think I should like to retire. From... all of it.
[ It's the first time in a long time, she's allowed herself to think of that. ]
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Just stop fighting? It does sound nice.
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She swallows, shuts her eyes for a minute. ]
It does seem a pleasant fiction. I should like to train horses again. A house I think - not a palace, it would not be right if it was not full of people as it should be. But... something away from the city. Where I could... be no one at all. [ she draws her fingertips up his spine, following its line. ] Children and animals, I always wanted to have many of both. A garden.
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I would gladly live a quiet life if I could have those things too.
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Shall I be your Lady Vorkosigan then? [ Huffs in laughter, she thinks she would be a terrible Vor. ] Keep your household and your children.
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Would you?
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You would ask that of me? Surely there is... [ swallows a little. ] ... someone more suitable to that position.
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Somehow, they're not lining up to love a mutant.
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Then, are you asking simply because I am a woman that might?
[ Hovers on that might. It's hardly an uncomplicated decision. Not with all that he is, everything that she is. To be wanted desperately, was one thing, but even so. She didn't want either of them to come to those choices because of making do. ]
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But ... there's something else here, dammit. Lakshmi is still special even if marriage is too large of a step. ]
Of course not.
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Then tell me.
[ Not poetics, let her know how he thinks this will be, will end. ]
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And if he goes home? He could marry her then. But never meet Ekaterin - or worse, meet her and fall in love with her too.
The silence goes on another long moment. ]
I don't know what will happen in the end.
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[ She wraps her fingers softly, tilting her head so she can lean to kiss him again. Soundly, surely. Keeps herself there even after she stops it, murmuring the words into the small space in quiet, kept sounds. All secrets - not of state, but nothing them and theirs. ]
Let us be enough for now, and we can sort... the rest of it out, later.
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A wise decision.
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I would gladly stay, of course ...
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